


This Explains Nothing (And Yet Everything)

by MostlyTuesday



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Did I Mention Crack?, Dwalin doesn't trust sheep, Gandalf's twinkly eye, I suck at titles, Multi, Thorin is confused, Thorin is having a bad day, What did I just write?, always-a-girl!Bilbo, fem!Bilbo, he should get that looked at, pre bagginshield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-20
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-29 23:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1011179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MostlyTuesday/pseuds/MostlyTuesday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hobbit was wearing a dress.</p><p>The hobbit looked <em>good</em> in a dress.</p><p>The hobbit looked <em>very good</em> in a dress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Explains Nothing (And Yet Everything)

**Author's Note:**

> No beta. Cracky, but no spaceships.

Thorin put his head in his hands and groaned.

This was not how he wanted his quest to go.

They had been resting in the home of Gandalf's supposed friend, Beorn, for over three days already, and while he appreciated the chance to heal their wounds, they had stayed long enough.

He planned on telling the company during breakfast that they would leave tomorrow morning. This meant waiting, of course, for the ~~dratted~~ burglar to show up. Usually the hobbit would be among the first to dine, but today he seemed to be sleeping in. _Of course_.

Thorin stared at the pile of fruit and pancakes on his plate and sipped his water angrily at the delay. The other dwarrow were becoming restless at being forced to stay at the table for whatever announcement the King wanted to make. Bofur was trading raunchy jokes with Gloin and Fili. Nori was talking to Ori and Kili, undoubtably telling them stories from his less-than-honest youth, while Dori glared grumpily at the trio. Bombur was refilling his plate while his cousin muttered in Khuzdul. Oin and Balin were talking to Gandalf, and Dwalin seemed to be engaged in a ~~staring~~ glaring contest with one of the sheep-servants.

At least Dwalin would be happy to leave this place.

Thorin heard a soft voice greet the company and looked up to see the burglar at the entryway. He found himself unable to recall what he had planned to say, opting instead to stare at the tiny creature.

The hobbit was wearing a dress.

The hobbit looked _good_ in a dress.

The hobbit looked _very good_ in a dress.

"I have an -" The burglar paused to clear his throat, "an announcement to make." The hobbit's voice seemed to have risen an octave. The crowd of dwarrow, who had gone silent when the hobbit arrived, burst into chatter.

"'ere now, Bilbo! Where'd ya get tha' dress?" shouted Bofur over the fray.

"Actually one of the sheep- wait, that has nothing to do with what I wanted to say! W- well, it does a little, but-"

" _The sheep can sew?_ " whispered Dwalin with a horrified look on his face.

"Shut up!" shouted Thorin, causing the group to quiet down, though his nephews were still whispering to one another."Burgla- er, Bilbo, what...?" He trailed off and simply looked at the crossdressing hobbit in confusion. Not that he minded ~~his~~ the hobbit wearing a dress (it was a lovely yellow thing, with lace, ribbon, and those white under-skirt things that make dresses flare out at the waist), but he felt he was missing some vital clue as to what the heck was going on.

The hobbit shifted his ~~adorable~~ brown eyes into Thorin's, then cast them down to the ground. He chewed on his lip and grasped at his skirts before mumbling something Thorin was sure he didn't understand.

"m' name's'nt Bilbo."

"What?"

The hobbit cleared his voice again and said softly, but audibly "My name is not Bilbo. It's Betony. Surprise?"

"Betony?" Thorin said slowly, then turned to look at the wizard, who had remained uncharacteristically silent. "What...?

"I apologize for the ruse, Thorin, but it was necessary to present Betony as a male so she could travel with your group." Gandalf said with a twinkle in his eye. Thorin really did hate that twinkle. "Most cultures deem women to be inferior to men, and I could not risk you leaving Betony behind."

Thorin gaped at the old man before shaking his head and drinking from his cup. He really wished it wasn't water.

"You've never met my sister, have you?" Thorin asked, "If anybody knows what women are capable of, it would be a dwarf." He turned back to the hobbit, to see that she had moved to sit between Ori and Kili, who were talking about... dress styles?

"I 'ave an announcement as well." Said Bofur, standing up. He took a swig of his water and slammed the cup on the table. "I'm a woman as well." ~~He~~ She smiled and took ~~his~~ her seat.

Thorin turned towards the nearest dog and quietly asked for some mead.

"As am I!" shouted Ori, causing Thorin to look up. She had shot up from her seat, and was being dragged back down and scolded by Dori for making such a scene.

One by one all of the dwarves stood and said that they were female. Thorin gaped and sputtered. "Gloin! You have a son!"

"Daughter, actually. Most beautiful little girl you've ever-" the entire company groaned and somebody threw a honeycomb at the dwarf. Gloin simply caught it and winked, munching down on the treat.

Thorin looked at his nephews who shrugged and looked somewhat sheepish.

"Dwalin?" Thorin said weakly, "We've known each other for years!"

"Well ye certainly aren't th' most observant of dwarves!" Dwalin replied with a glare.

"But we've all been bathing together since the quest started! Even I would have noticed if we all had different parts!" Except the hobbit, of course. Damn modest hobbit sensibilities...

"Well, Thorin my dear, that is because we are _all_ women." said Gandalf with a smile and a twinkle.

"What?" Thorin asked, with mounting trepidation, suddenly noticing that his deep, gruff voice seemed higher than usual. He looked down at himself and screamed.

 

"Thorin! Thorin! What's wrong?! Are- EEK!"

Thorin jerked his eyes open and grabbed the hand that had been shaking him, pulled the owner of said arm across his body, rolled them over, and pinned them to the ground.

"Thorin? A-are you alright?" Betony (Bilbo?) asked Thorin, face and ears turning red in the moonlight. Thorin took his eyes off the hobbit to gaze around the room. The other dwarves were still snoring and neither the wizard nor their host was in sight. Thorin started shaking with relief when he realized that it had all been a dream.

"I am fine, Master Hobbit, t'was simply a dream."

"oh, w-well you were screaming a-an-and all s-sweaty. Heh. Must have been a doozy."

"Aye, but it is alright." Thorin chuckled. Some part of him realized that he should probably get off the hobbit, but he just couldn't make himself do so quite yet. "It's not as if you are actually a woman, after all." The hobbit's flush turned deeper and the hobbit started nibbling his lip.

"Um, about that..."

**Author's Note:**

> This was far more cracky than it started out. It might be interesting to continue, but who knows.
> 
> Thank you for reading! If you notice anything wrong please let me know. Comments are appreciated!


End file.
